Monday, August 20, 2012

Change In Life - New Season Mom

Do you need to know you are loved?

My life has entered a new season. I say that and truly it is simply a continuation of constant change - life is never stagnant. Even after the life you spend on earth, you will continue to live. Who you trust, what you choose, how you live greatly effects your life after your short stay on planet earth.

I love the asian proverb that explains that it is impossible to stay in the same place of a river over any span of time. For even if you stand still, the river moves along with its current changing... you can never be in the same place for two moments - it simply is impossible!

So goes my understanding with the new season I have entered: My oldest son, our first born, has left for 14 weeks of basic training in the military - his long awaited dream and desire. We are very happy for him - as he is also very joyful about embracing his life.

At lunch today, talking with my husband, he said my journey is Courageous, for me it is Natural, for others it is Uncomfortable.

I have learned to live life bare - naked - exposed.

Mostly with myself and God.

I don't have time for games of hide and seek like Adam and Eve hiding behind a bush in a garden. I know the silliness of that kind of thinking. God sees me - He is El Roi - The God Who SEES. To hide from Him is living in self-denial or maybe more accurately delusion. I am far too real for that!

I appreciate that my husband finds my self-reflective honest journaling as courageous. He said most people don't have the nerve to or courage to see what really is inside of themselves.

Counseling for 10 years got me way over that! Thankfully the counseling season is a year in my past!

But then my dearest said something else that made prefect sense; he said most people are not secure enough to know they are loved by God no matter what. 

I have laid naked before God: ugly - sinful - unwilling - angry - screaming - sarcastic - envious - lusting - lying - guilty - lazy - irresponsible.... you name it, He has seen it in me.

He has seen it all.

And never once did I feel judged. 

What I did feel was the wide-open, accepting arms of my Father God (father is a hard word for people who didn't have a loving father, but when you get to know God as your daddy it will be a precious word). God, my Daddy, always is holding open my place with Him. Anytime I can run up to Him, jump on his lap, nestle my head into his chest and be held. He never holds me back - He never says leave I don't want to look at you - or shames me with "how could you" words.

"Come here, baby girl. Come, let me love you. Come, let me hold you. I will work it out for your good and My glory - it will all be good."

This is the voice of Jehovah God in the Bible - the one and same God known as Jesus Christ - and also known as our comforter/counselor, the Holy Ghost (spirit). HE IS REAL, but that is something you will never believe because I tell you so. You will have to let Him show Himself to you - like only He can. I can describe Him but you will never KNOW or FEEL or BELIEVE until you have your life touched by Him in the deepest part of your being. Oh, forget about what you don't like about the Church, or TV evangelist or Organized Religion... He hates religiosity too! It is a pseudo-presentation of Him, a false gospel.

God is personal, intimate, and meets us one by one.

My husband said I was courageous; I see myself as naturally being me.

But I can't deny that it hurts me when 'being me' cause people to be uncomfortable. It is like I walk around as a mirror, reflecting soulness and people who don't want to be introspective, to be real - they run for cover. I don't know if I will ever come to terms with feeling like I am causing pain in others... never once have I intentionally tried to do this. I am not foolish, I have hurt many, many people but not because I plotted, planned and aimed to bring suffering into others' lives.

A Naked Writer

In looking at my uniqueness as a person - as a writer - I am coming to terms with this insight. The light shines brightly on the fact that I am a naked writer - transparent - vunerable to the core. It is who I am - the way I see life - the way I see myself - the way I know God. It is the sum of all my experiences up to this point in my life. In a revelation - I clearly see - I am honest - even when it hurts.

Until next post, ponder God and His love for you - this is the strongest reality in the universe. God is LOVE and God LOVES you! Whether you believe it or not - He still does. Regardless of what you have done or do, HE LOVES YOU! Don't trust me - allow Him to introduce Himself to you.

Be still and wait - He will come.


Lindy Lou