Throughout my weak life, I so long "to do", to be used by God, to partake in His ministry here on earth. Being alive and thus living on earth at this present moment I have no other choice-- if I am to be used by God, it must be practical.
But I have a great defect, I am a sporadic mess, or so it seems to me and others.
|God Chose me! For me this is enough.|
Fortunately for me, this highly qualifies me for God's team. He prizes in the weaker vessels, the ones that are continually emptying themselves out because they can find nothing good in and of themselves.
I frustrate human endeavors - their grand plans become muddled messes in my hands because I am fumbling around, up one day and down the next. I am vulnerable to affliction and derailed often.
I am a target, a war zone and not at all safe to be around for those who want the pleasant, easy life. It seems as thought disasters of this world follow me, but I know it is the infernal attack that is bombarded against me because I am HIS.
Today we are in a world of Jihadist - they keep a list of those who they consider to be the most grievous enemy, and offer a high reward to their own followers who are willing to go after and take down any who make their 'hit list'.
I am certain I am daily upon my God's enemy "hit list". While the enemy can do me NO eternal harm, he can continually thwart my consistency and ability to be reliable to the appreciated methods of the world, even and oddly most cherished, in the local Church of God.
I am a fireball, overcome with love and passion for God and I move quite consistently throughout life with this passion... I struggle to think of anything completely apart from the workings and effect of God's kingdom. I have been flogged by words of those who were in the Christian communities I participated as being 'too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good.' And while those evaluations were made nearly 2 decades ago I do think the assessment has followed me.
|Unpredictably Me because I am His|
I make people uncomfortable, always seek for more of Him and less of me. Approaching events with spiritual eyes instead of the physical vision, I am afforded to see what the mere observer cannot, but this is not a blessing to the body of Christ. It has been my long experience that the Church body and particularly leadership wants everyone to see what they display--what they present to be seen-- and are gravely frustrated when someone, who claims to be a child of God, sees something peculiarly different.
Of all my frustration of being God's child, I must say this has been my greatest heartache: to know that God chooses me, that He chose me 30 years ago and continues to be happy to claim me as His own, His precious daughter... the good, bad and ugly... He sees through to the finished work and by the veil of Christ. He adores me, and of course accepts me.
But His local church and people of the church (so many different bodies and varieties) look for finished works, polished packages, those they can display as fine examples of Christianity. It is here --among these chosen useful ones of the local church--that I am frankly not up to par. I am not programmable since I move with the Holy Spirit and therefore I can appear quite untamed in the current 21st century church order and experience.
To move with the Holy Spirit, to allow Him complete reign, is to live life unpredictably free. I never know where I might be told to go or what I might be told to do and that abandonment to Him alone is the vibrant enthusiasm in-which I thrive and glow. To be empowered by God is to be unpredictable, beautifully uncertain of the next move, because it is God alone who gets to orchestrate the melody.
I thank God for helping me to see why I appear to have such un-functionality in these eyes of the local church. And I only can pray that He connects me with the ministry I can partake for His utmost glory. Plugged into Him as my source, emptying myself to make more room for Him and then listening to be ever obedient to His whim or more particularly His need - I am alive, experiencing the Living God, and joyful to be chosen by Him, available, awakened to that which is Spirit instead of only physical.
God knows what I need and what I am able to do. I simply must learn to trust Him and be content in what He appropriates to me. My heart bubbles to be used by Him. Thank you, God! Thank you for every opportunity made available to me.