Monday, July 4, 2011

A Critical Heart

I have been very guilty over the years of having a critical heart with myself, others and life in general.

God, Change My Critical Heart!
 Maybe it has something to do with trying so hard to live life "right". It is not so much that I held others to my standards, which I really hoped were not mine but God's. I think, it more had to do with the fact that in order to not 'fall off the apple cart' of life, I needed a sense of stability around me.

How could I live a life that glorified God, correcting all of the errors of my past, if I didn't have like-minded thinking about me? I needed the support, and the example.

Does that make any sense or did I just stir up a bunch of old leftover thoughts and try to make it appealing with a fresh scoop of cool-whipping-excuses?

Does anyone like being avoided, disliked, tolerated?

I don't. I never have, but I haven't always had the benefit of knowing what it is to life a normal life, to have the majority of my thoughts being peaceful, clear and light with joy.

I was complicated... and that is a huge understatement!

So, the junk in me that I was so trying to work through would often bust out in a quest of wanting to see others embrace truth bathed in morally sound responsibility. So many people in my life did not take responsibility for the wrongs of their actions or words. From a teen, I wanted the guilty to be held accountable. But I  have had to find rest in the act of forgiveness - letting go and letting God be the ultimate Judge of hearts. Long ago, I learned I was hurting myself more than the person I wanted to pay for their crimes.

But I really think, while I let the done deeds of my past perpretrators to be forgiven, I became vigilant to be the superhero of justice. To me it was pretty simple, God is right and we need to align our ways to His so that we can be molded into Christlikeness. While this is all truth, and a great personal goal, I many times overstepped my authority and my role of being God's daughter.

I get especially irked by church-people - people who are suppose to know better and to desire to live according to the Bible standards.  I hate when people are frauds, fakes, liars.. when the say one thing to one person but lie with ease when the circumstances or audience has changed. When their words and actions turn with the ease of a color wheel shining upon an aluminun tinsel tree. The shading of the truth does not matter as long as they look good to those they consider "important".

But doing this only hurt me, or at least hurt me the most.

So, yes... I finally see my critical heart and it reeked. I am sure I have seen it here and there before, but now I see how tiring being a busibody and self-righteously detective has been. I really bet being in my company was often like sitting next to putrid stink. No wonder, I found myself often tossed away without a thought like week old trash decomposing in the heat of summer. Yes, it hurt me, but I also hurt others.

As my mind clears in this new phase of wholeness in my life, I pray the Lord to temper me to love others more than myself, and to see the good in people and circumstances more vividly than seeing errors. May I be the fragergence of newly bloomed flowers after the gentle spring rain. And just maybe, I will cause a few more people to linger - to stop and smell His flowers - and to seek to know the cause of my peaceful delight.

What a blessed change of heart that will be!


  1. Yes, I know what you mean about this. Sometimes in pain you decide to be good to fix the pain. And then in "being good" you find that you and everyone else is not so good. That's a bad place to be in - a place you've created - an island of 1. Grace sets us free from all of that when we let it. I am so thankful to God for this grace and freedom.

  2. Jamie, thank you. I sometimes think I am learning about grace, but there is always so much more to learn.


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