Friday, October 3, 2008

Who Else Feels Functionally Unfunctioning?

Please keep me in prayers. I have been going through a very difficult month or so. Many of you know that I have been diligently seeking healing and restoration from a very intensely abusive childhood (emotional, physical, sexual, really-every-way possible). About 9 years ago I started on my first anti-depressant. After 45 minutes of tears and loving care from my primary doctor I walked out with my prescription.

Now 9 years later and 7 years of weekly personal and family professional counseling (family counseling happens when we need it), I keep thinking it is almost over and then God reveals a new area that I need to address. It is like intensive journey of sanctification.

I have a very loving relationship with my dear husband of 24 years and my sweet children - Angela 11yo (5th grade), David 13yo (7/8 grade), Andrew 15yo (9th grade).

My precious children and husband have been through a lot with having me as a wife and mom....but one thing they have learned is that God is the answer to everything. They have seen a mom cling to Him for her very breathe and everything else in life.
I have better seasons than others. I am going through a very intense growing season and it has put enormous disruption to the functional ability of our family. Please always consider this when you see my dear husband and children that they have not had the easiest home life and they need all the support, love and acceptance people can give them. Really they are wonderful people and God has taken good care of spite of me....but that may be, in part, because of my unceasing pressing into Him for help, health and healing.

Currently I am going through a medication adjustment and it greatly affects my emotional, physical and mental ability to function. I am living one moment at a time doing the best that I can. I will never have it "all together" or "figured out"....that is not even my goal. I simply want to be obedient to God and raise my children up to love, know and glorify Him.
I have called for help from the local Family Center (Exchange Club) that can provide me with an in home social worker one day a week for several months to help me work out a daily game plan and system to be accountable and consistent with myself and my children. This will be the fourth time I have used this wonderful organization for help in various times in my healing journey. Each social worker has been a true friend and blessing to my children and our ability to function as a healthy family. This time they have asked me to try to work it out on my own. They are trying to encourage me to have confidence as a mother. I am unsure.

I am in the process now of cutting back activities to make life as manageable and simply as possible. I will not being helping with W night ladies meeting at church, or taking a M morning Bible Study. I cannot meet with a beginning team organizing missionary/ministry work in Asia (my heart is with this group - my pastor-spiritual dad invited me and is leading the team), but it can not be done in this season of my life. We are so looking forward to football season ending in a few weeks it takes about 4 days a week of involvement which is more than I can juggle.
I am learning to say, "No."

Learning how to set boundries can be hard. "Yes" or "I can do that" is much easier for me to say.
I feel committed to my Sunday morning service time, Sunday night small group meeting, Monthly hs mom meeting, voice lessons for Angela, drum lessons for David, middle school choir for Andrew and David, prairie primer "co-op" monthly or so meeting with another family doing this program, private pray and growth time with God, staying in touch with my 7 siblings, M night JV Awana meeting, weekly private counseling, psychiatric doctor visits, and so many more occasional activities like being civic-minded active during election months or taking care of the church prayer garden during the spring/summer, or attending a seminar on Christian World View, or going to a ladies retreat.

It is just me, or does it seem nearly impossible to do all of these things, and still find time to clean the house, plan meals, be consistent with my discipline/training of my children and plan/prepare and execute the homeschool education of my children?
Why am I sharing all this - because I believe in prayer cover and also in the sharing of life in an honest way. And I covet our love and friendship of each other. I also believe that others are secretly going through similar confusion, trials and pain.

So if I ever appear a little too goofy, serious, passionate, detatched....etc....Know that I am doing the best I can in life. I love God and people. I care deeply for my family and those who hurt or who have been hurt. And I want to live a life obedient and honoring to God, the best I know how. I will never be perfect on this side of heaven. I am growing, learning, being changed....into the likeness of Christ....even if it always doesn't look like it on the outside.

I may look at this post later and wonder what planet I was traveling on when I wrote it, but I try to trust God to use things I do for His work and glory. I assume somehow, someway there must be a purpose for sharing and being transparent when He leads me to speak. I trust Him for the outcome.

I think some of you, have known me long enough, that you probably know and see more about me than I can yet see about myself...and that is OK! I still feel loved, accepted and needed. We need to always cherish the special bond God has given us in each other as we travel this Homeschool journey and Christ-lead walk together.


  1. I praise God that you are getting the help you need and staying Christ centered. My mom at the age of 64 is just starting to heal from years of abuse as a child and other major instances that have gone on in her life. I will not go into detail on that. Know that no matter what you have been through that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ can bring you through. My mother has also taken to writing. I believe it is a good way to express yourselves. Thank you for writing this. You gave me more of an understanding of my mom. It is hard for me because she repressed everything until a couple of years ago and it seems like we have a different mom now. I am so glad you and my mom now are getting help. Know that you and your family are in my prayers. Be blessed and stay strong.

  2. Sweet Jennifer,

    Thank you so very much! It means so much to me that you are helped to understand your mom more by reading what I shared. I am slowly starting a new blog for this topic alone - Abuse and Trauma Hope - it can be accessed through the blog list on my site and soon I will have it set up to be followed. I will discuss more indepth topics and share some journal entries on that site.
    Blessing to you and your mom as you press into Jesus for hope and healing and understanding.

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I am also going through a long season of perseverance. I am encouraged by your words!

    Life of a Juggernaut


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