Friday, August 8, 2008

Something New

wanting a place to write. it is what I so enjoy doing. i like to be honest. sometimes I feel great and sometimes I come unglued. what keeps me going is that I keep growing and trying new things, and I have three precious children and a loving husband of 24 years. you are not married 24 years without the terrible - why did I marry you years - but the best part of staying together is knowing you made it through and came out better for it. There is truly something sweet about commitment. I feel safe with my husband, and in a world of people that can sometimes be so cruel it is nice to have a place to get a loving hug.

I hope to write frequent. I want to be transparent. I am healing from having an abusive childhood. The torment of those 18 years have made my life very difficult...but maybe, just maybe one day I will see the fruit of working so hard to be free of its bondage and to not just hide it or ignore it or to pretend it didn't happen....because I can't...it bleeds into who I am today and I get 'trauma triggered' by the littlest things. This is my hope...that one day I will be a little more 'normal' than I am today....not someone to be avoided, rejected, held-at-arms length, but someone that can love others and in the process not hurt people I love.

I am getting better. I am so different than I was 10 years ago....but I get super frustrated that it is taking so long...for the sake of my children...they have to live with me and I make a big impact on them. I want that to be loving and positive...it is finally getting that way. And my children are so wise...they understand that they are going to be better people for having been loved by someone who couldn't but who had to learn how....and through the process of watching me improve year after year...they have witnessed commitment, perseverance and undying love.

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