Sunday, August 10, 2008

Do I matter?

where do I begin? I should be at my daughter's side....I should be with her...it is her first vocal recital in years...she is such a good girl...things are changing though...she is not my little girl....she does value what I say....well, not unless I say something that could hurt....I know she is just a little girl, that she is a young child almost a young lady...a big age of 11.....I guess her daddy took her to the recital....I had a pretty hard day at church....church has been very hard lately...it don't much fit...I am not the "church" type....I have problems...and worse than that I let people know. I am disqualified...not able to serve...not able ....no not allowed...asked not to...

people like me don't get to do things....we don't get to speak...we don't get to write...we don't get to teach....we don't get to lead...oh, I can at home...in my on little space, but with other people...oh, I might do something wrong....I might offend someone...I might say something that others would never dare in their life say or act like...I might be blunt...I might be bold....I might call black black and white white....don't I know that people don't say things like that ....that they see it too but they have learned to be social ...to be respectful...to be quiet...to pretend they really don't see anything ...they have learned to be kind, nice, proper....

so I am not with my dd....she starts to sing in 1 hour...maybe I will get there? maybe I will show my face? but if I do, will it be hard for her...will she have a hard time singing if she sees me or will it be harder for her if I am not that...that is usually the case....but I remember I am not usual...

what happen, where did it all crumble....I was so happy, chirpery....dh said I said my whole days alot of words in the car before we got to church....my ds's wished I'd be quiet also...I don't remember what I said...I was just a happily chattering about this and that....

Drop dd off for her young church....go to big church...Pastor talks about being released from selfishness...the church has bars placed where we go in...guys dress in dark black pretended to be jail wardens....all friendly and in fun...pastor has a great sermon as usual....alter call...one elderly lady dressed so petitely in a suit comes shyly forward....young youth leaders wife listens, holds her dearly, prays with her....all in the seat in front of me...

time to go to ss, oldest ds is now in HS ...his group doesn't meet until the next hour....hmmm...maybe he could serve...wonder if anyone needs help...."I want to hang out with my friends"...."I want to go to youth with dad"..."your dad is teaching...it is his first day to teach 8th grade boys"....

let's see....sound guy, do you need any help next hour...no, we are full.....dragging ds behind me...children's helper, do ya'll need any help this hour maybe an assistant at a table...need to ask children's pastor....children's pastor, do you need any help this hour my ds now in HS has nothing to do this hour can he serve...we do big group church, he can sit with the children if he wants...I don't want to I want to hang out with my friends and go to the youth....fine, do what ever you want...go where ever you want...i am going to ss class...

I don't really want to go to class...I just don't feel like I fit in....I am just not comfortable...can't share all...comment, comment, comment, laugh, laugh, laugh, share, share, share, show, show, show, update, update, update, ....lesson begins...we are going to be studying Esther next 6 weeks or so...we haven't decided to do a book yet or to just use the Bible...if we do a book you wont need it...you can get it but you wont need it....teach, teach, teach, share about life, share about life, share about life, read a word or two...(hey, I don't think we read any Esther)....well, we talked about her...and obedience...maybe it was just the intro....very touching teacher sharing about her life and time she gave her baby daughter to God as she was near death with RSV....30 minutes later baby is all better....they go home the next day...her d is now in HS...time flies...may teary eyes after story...why did it not make me so sad? class is over...

In hallway, dh is talking away with youth parents, other teacher, etc. Honestly, I am so happy he is doing this...it is so good for him...

waiting, waiting, waiting, hug one or two...see a old friend...good to see this couple they have been gone for years...hug them and tell them I am glad to see them...they look great.

dh is still talking...ds in ms is hanging with his friends...they are going to do a christian rap video parody....he doesn't want to be in it just wants to watch...asst youth leader takes group outside to video...my son's invited to go along....

dh leaves hallway and goes back into youth area...I see df that left SS class...hug her...reminded I forgot to do something...I'll e-mail someone about it...she slips in another class...I liked her so much...she is now in another class...wish I could try that class but it is so full...probably wouldn't fit....looks way to big...still waiting on dh...pass the class door of the ladies class looking in door...looking but not really seeing....

go sit down with dd, just a waiting....talking to checkin lady, a mom of ds friend....chat chat chat...well, time for her to go...I'll just wait for dh....Do you have my keys? No....why not go look in the car..here are mine

DH comes back in church with keys...lets go...where is ds...he is videoing ...I don't know where...back/forth, back/forth, back/forth...I'm not in a good mood...I stare out the window..what am I doing here? why do I even go to church? no one would even notice if I wasn't here...

Start fixing lunch...meatloaf in crockpot during church...put mash pot in oven...go outside to take the green stuff and silky stuff off of the corn...better cook it before it goes bad....frustration and anger helps peeling corn easily...at least I have strength and force...cry a little...no one hears...

chop ends off corn as water boils...man, this is hard...knife must be dull....not sure I could get through this without being so hurt....helps me to push even harder...I am careful to not cut my fingers....

lunch ready...no one is hungry....just, forget it, if they don't want to eat they can go hungry today...ds playing on computer with friend...other ds playing on his computer...dd comes to get some mashed pot...dh - he eats...he is hungry...by bother...food is good, nice home cooked meal...sarcastically say...'wasn't that a nice family Sunday lunch'....'just what memories are made of'....dh offers to clean kitchen...

go upstairs...ask dd when she has to be at church for vocal recital...4...4:30...1...

I know but am tiffed that she is one a website I have not given her permission to be on...got on it yesterday at friends' house...

I don't matter...people...children do what they want regardless of me...why do I even speak...who told you that you could be on this site...is it one that i approved...who signed you up...ask your dad to take you to recital...why did you were that to church...want to be like others ...(first day she hasn't gotten dressed in church clothes...seemed to always like dressing up before...) why do you want to wear baggy clothes...do you want to be big and fat too....

hurt! she is hurt! I blew it...she leaves crying...dad goes to her...whats wrong dd? I was ugly to her?

I want to hurt myself...I wish I was not here...I lay down in bed and put covers over my head...at least I can't hurt myself or others here...where can I go...

hours pass, I wake up...house is empty...dd didn't put on recital dress we bought a month ago...but her shoes we got last night are gone...found a beautiful dress with sequins on sale at nice store...maybe she didn't really like it...

cry deeply...scream cry...it hurts so deeply...cry...cry...go to the ground...cry...out to God...honest with Him...he can take my honesty....

not sure I should write about this...but this is why I started blog...I wanted a place to be real...now everyone can know the real ugly truth...

Well, I still have time to get to that vocal recital...maybe I can sneak in the back...I am so sorry...I thank God my children have my dh to be a great dad...dh got her to recital on time...I feel so unworthy of going but here I go...now I will have to pretend....can't let anyone really know what has been going on...don't want to be sad...

where is that pretend smile...maybe I will find it on my way into church....

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