Sunday, August 10, 2008

Broken One

Went to recital, got there a few minutes bf it started..dh left me a seat, we were right behind dd, hugged her and told her I was sorry....she said it was ok....she sang 4th....did a great job...friend said she sounded so spunky...she has a cute personality and beautiful smile.

I didn't have to find a fake smile...room was already dark when I entered....one friend asked what's wrong ...didn't answer just walked on to my seat...

Several songs touched my heart...one made me cry...Broken One...never heard it before...I will have to get the lyrics and post them...it was about a young girl that loved the broken dolls because they needed her to be mended....on to teens and she loved the broken people..a girl in need at a shelter....talked about how there would be less broken ones if we just loved the broken ones just like Jesus does...

my memory doesn't give it justice, but it touched my heart deeply...I excused myself and got in the car and cried all the way home...

I wish my children had a better mother....one that could be all that they need...one that was not so damaged...needy...messed up. I often wonder why did God allow me to have children, not that I don't love mine with everything in me....but I also hurt them...don't think I will ever be the mother I wanted to be...not even close....

they are growing up so fast..oldest ds has only 4 more years...youngest has only 8....I don't have time to heal before they are gone....I so wish they could have had a loving, stable, happy mom....one that could have been everything they needed and more....

they love me and accept me for all my shortcomings....but they know I didn't do a lot of things right and I still don't/won't.....

I wish I wasn't a broken one...but it is not like a person that is shattered in pieces can put herself back together again...Jesus is healing me, and He loves me passionately, He just has chosen slower methods than to my liking...but (chuckle) He's God...He must know what is best. Wish like humpty-dumpty I could just be put all back together again....but my egg white seems to keep leaking through some cracks and I get all sticky, slippy, hard to handle....hard to deal with...hard to be with...until someone loves me enough to help me get cleaned...to wipe off the mess...to love the broken one....

It is kinda funny...Jesus could heal me with a word...with a whisper...with a blow....but it is like He is wanting to do it through the hands of others...He just wont let me go away ...alone with Him and get a quick fix....He wants people involved...and that is where it gets complicated....its hard to find people that are willing to get dirty...that don't mind wiping away the mess and gently loving the cracks away....

Another lady sang about God healing hurts but leaving a scar...the scar was to remind her of his love and how far He had taken her....the rumbles of her life was the altar that she was able to praise Him on...it was deeply felt and beautiful...well...maybe I should check in on the family...

how will they ever understand me...a broken one

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