First, recognize that God hand picked each of your children. He is completely sovereign and knew beforehand what you and your children needed. Never question His will or His plan. It is perfect. The experiences that you will encounter because of a particular child are the exact ones you need, and vis-versa, the relationship your child is given is what he or she needs to grow into being the person of God he or she was created to be. God makes no mistakes and nothing is a coincident.
Second, you can teach your children and shape their experiences, but you do not make their choices. Every single person is born with freewill. If your child has a strong independent will and chooses to disobey regardless of the consequences, it is not your fault. Of course, no earthly parent will ever be perfect, but if you commit your children to God and bend your will to obey Him as you raise your children, you can rest in knowing you have done your best. You have raised the child entrusted you to parent for Him.
If you still have a child under eighteen, set clear expectations and consequences. Consider to even write them down and have older children sign them as a way of agreement to give them no wiggle room in manipulating your words. As a couple determine to be consistent in following through with consequences for disobeying. Withholding a privilege or giving extra chores/responsibilities is not pleasant for a parent but a child shrewdly knows if one parent is lenient or if the parents can be played against one another. Back each other up and discuss your differences in private.
You want to shape the heart, not only the behavior. This sound so reasonable and easy, but this is the one area in which a strong willed child will not obey. Due to the might of parents, he will recognize when he has to change his behavior, but a sour heart can build and brew under seemingly complying actions. As a Christian parent you need to pray for your child, show grace in your interactions and live a daily transformation life before you children so they can witness in your life what it looks like to be obedient to God and to be conformed little by little into Christ-likeness.
In the end, accept the truth that you cannot make inner will choices for your child. Adam and Eve, and every child of God from that 6th day of creation has chosen to disobey their perfect parent. Don't be shocked if you have a child that ignores instruction and disobeys you. Be warned though that a child who never surrenders his life to God, rebels family rules and disrespects you will grow into a rebellious adult. Do not enable your child to make bad choices. Limit their finances if they are buying items that are not healthy, take their electronics away if they fill their life with negative influence, and be steadfast with your consequences. The penalties and pain in childhood have much less gravity and permanence than the poor choices made in adulthood.
In Isaiah 30: 1-5, 8-15, God speaks to His rebellious children, (note: I have inserted "world" for Egypt"):
I love that throughout the Bible God is gracious and always ready for a child that returns in repentance. He says is Isaiah 29 that once a person recognizes the error in his ways, he will be restored blessings to his life."What sorrow awaits my rebellious children,”says the LORD.“You make plans that are contrary to mine.You make alliances not directed by my Spirit,thus piling up your sins.2For without consulting me,you have gone down to the world for help.You have put your trust in the world’s protection.You have tried to hide in his shade.3But by trusting the world, you will be humiliated,and by depending on him, you will be disgraced.5All who trust in him will be ashamed.He will not help you.Instead, he will disgrace you.”A Warning for Rebellious8Now go and write down these words.Write them in a book.They will stand until the end of timeas a witness9that these people are stubborn rebelswho refuse to pay attention to the LORD’s instructions.10They tell the seers,“Stop seeing visions!”They tell the prophets,“Don’t tell us what is right.Tell us nice things.Tell us lies.11Forget all this gloom.Get off your narrow path.Stop telling us about your‘Holy One of Israel.’”12This is the reply of the Holy One of Israel:“Because you despise what I tell youand trust instead in oppression and lies,13calamity will come upon you suddenly—like a bulging wall that bursts and falls.In an instant it will collapseand come crashing down.14You will be smashed like a piece of pottery—shattered so completely thatthere won’t be a piece big enoughto carry coals from a fireplaceor a little water from the well.”15This is what the Sovereign LORD,the Holy One of Israel, says:“Only in returning to meand resting in me will you be saved.In quietness and confidence is your strength.But you would have none of it.
As a parent of an adult child, my husband and I have recently been through the gut-wrentching experience of having to kick our child out of the house even though he had no place to go, because he was rebellious and disrespectful.
Today this is not commonly done. I was shocked that outside the Christian worldview, parents are instructed to ignore what their adult children do in their home, to let them make their own adult choices and to live like they want while still providing for them. But this advice only enables a child to continue longer in their destructive choices without facing the consequences of responsibilities. Today we have prodigal sons living the wanton life in their family homes and parents are afraid to stop supporting their child because they don't want to loose the parent -child relationship.
Any child that is disrespectful of their parents does not really have a true relationship with them anyway. Giving in to an adult child is only enabling them to live in sin and destruction. Be strong and courageous and make the hard choices that will end up in positive blessings in the long run.
You might also enjoy reading Raising a Christian Child and The Secret Power of a Mother's Prayer.